“Mirror: My Reflection” – Part 1

What the mirror reflected back to me, after those nights, wasn’t the same image I saw weeks before.

I no longer want to be me.
Who I am is a woman,
And that is no longer me.
It is no longer true.
Rejected by self.

There is nothing beautiful here any more.
It has been defiled, it is dirty.
I’m no longer beautiful.
My body isn’t mine anymore.
Dissociated.
Detached.
Hating my body.
Hating myself.

There is no more dignity here,
This body is not worthy of honour.
I am not worthy of being respected by man any more.
This beautiful rose has been trampled upon,
Crushed and bleeding.
Shame.
The image of my body makes me feel ashamed.

I feel others hands on me,
In places where it should not be.
I’m not my own anymore.
My body has always been something that is desired,
And nothing more.
This event was proof of that! So…
If this is the attention my body draws,
Then hiding is the best resolve.
My curves should not be shown,
My legs should be covered,
My rear should be veiled.

The parts of my body that make me feel woman;
My curves, My legs, My hips,
No longer serve a beautiful nor good purpose.
It only attracts danger.
It draws in predators that stalk their prey,
With a roar as silent as a leopard’s crawl;
With a bite as sudden as a cheetah’s pounce, and
A grip filled with poison as fatal as death.

This body which tells me that I am woman,
Has failed in its purpose for what it was made for.
Honor and love wasn’t present, no.
Pain and shame became its covering.
Now I cover it!
I cover it to keep its beauty from enticing that death which would kill my soul.
How can something that attracts such destruction be beautiful again?
How can something that was once complete,
But now smeared across the floor,
Be restored?

My body is not mine any more,
This is no longer my body.
I don’t recognise this as mine,
So why would I want it?
Mine was complete, pure, untouched.
A gift to give away with love,
To give when I wanted to and chose to.
This gift has been opened and torn apart.
It has been taken by greed, desire and selfishness.
Who can I trust with this gift now?
Who would even want it?
It’s been used, it’s no longer new
– it’s second hand now.