Where is my mind

The nights are the hardest. This is night #2 of back to back feeling this way. Some days are better than other, but at night I’m reminded of how lonely I am! Not sure how you magically played the role of being my everything and satisfying my innermost cravings. I guess that’s what had had doomed from the start because this probably isn’t even at the physical level, but at a soul/spirit level. I just don’t know how to get there. I think I did at one point, but it’s been so long!

I want to do something, anything to satisfy this craving NOW! I can’t smoke and tbh that’s all I want to do. A drug test and the fact that I’ll get hooked is basically what is stopping me at the moment. Tbh I think that is what killed us last year, when I started smoking again I started to let my guard down spiritually. Not just with you but like all things. It’s the bigger picture really, I was living my life for me and not for God. It’s hard as hell to die to self. It’s sooo contrary to what you want. It is biblical so makes sense the flesh and the spirit rage war against one another and we are kind of in the middle of it all.

I am holding back because I truly want you to heal and I can’t be your savior. I can’t heal you, I can’t make the mess go away. I’ll never be able to satisfy you all of the time. Trust me, there is nothing more I’d like than to do that. To take care of you and make all the bad things go away forever. Now that I come to think of it, it was always hard seeing you for a week and then go back to life.