TRUE LOVE

The gospel shouts of the selfless love of the only God who gave his only son

So that I may have everlasting life.

The word who became flesh smiles

As he talks of his passion for all of mankind. 

He buoyantly uncovers revelation

and new aspects of someone I can’t physically see.

But my heart knows.

He’s there.

While I sit in my cold dark room, covered with blankets of loneliness and pain.

I can’t go back, I’m not the same. 

The loss is heart wrenching, but there’s no more shame. 

And what of her? 

I ask.

Why couldn’t I meet in the middle and compromise my moral values to find a happy medium of dependent love and lying to myself?

I thought she was the one.

I wanted to give her

My Forever.

Every kind act

Every tender 

Whisper, 

Be her

Strong supporter

All my hope,

In her

Ignoring the word,

“Sinner”

At least her arms are physical, and I don’t have to close my eyes to see her. 

The word reassures me that I can trust him in this process. 

I apologize once again.

Torn in my heart while being determined to stay on the road less traveled,

Just one more day.

Feeling the gaping loss

Along with those 

battered and torn 

cross 

carriers that lay their crosses down and pick them up on repeat,

But they don’t quit

Walking the 

Lit

Road

To Him.

It’s a serendipitous road of faithful lovers of God crying through pain

and laughing in victory, 

all at the same time. 

Their crowns hang low, their swords are held high,

And their voices fill 

the sky

Saying, “By the blood of the lamb, we won’t love our lives

So much as to shrink from death!”

But death is what 

I feel.

She’s gone and never coming back. 

That’s real. 

I chose to believe 

The Bible over

What I feel.

I chose truth

Over my ideal.

Or rather, idol.

I chose to not shrink.

I chose a god I can’t see

Above a god that I made temporary.

But what did my choices without God get me?

Pain and anxiety.

Oh but to give God my trust…

To say, “I believe.”

I believe in the word who became flesh. 

I believe his ways are good and holy.

I believe he’s worth it.

This transformation is not a waste of my time. 

In the midst of pain, 

his heart sees mine.

There’s hasn’t been a time

Where he removed his love. Though I have asked the same question

A hundred times,

and wanted what should have never been mine.

I walked the line 

of the world’s way and his abundant life.

And still, he waited for me to become a faithful wife.

And 

through the trial and heartache, he embeds my soul with resolved love,

With warmth like the sun covering my face on a summer day. 

He suggests I keep walking this holy road and not run back to Egypt,

Where bondage strangled the freedom out of me,

Where Jesus’ voice 

Was replaced with

Control and negativity 

And 

one thought comes to my mind.

He gave his only son for me.

For one reason, 

true love. 

There are no strings attached as he sits with me in the dark,

And holds my heart. 

There is no condemnation as I slowly let go of what was and what if.

Only forgiveness.

There is only compassion from the friend that sticks closer than a brother 

and the most intimate lover

Of my soul, 

Patient while I turn over control.

So that I would fight the fight of faith and let him sit with me.

So that I can rise in my identity

As a bloodline daughter of divinity

Who roars at the enemy

And laughs when he flees to his dark cave

Where he sits in his own loneliness and pain,

Knowing his day is coming, 

A day that will cast him into a fiery torment all by himself

Secluded from the power to ever torment again. 

So that I can hear God’s voice say, “it’s worth it” as we gaze into eternity together, 

holding our hearts between gripping 

fingers,

while seeing the gospel save millions.

So that I can surrender and trust the word, that it’s truth and 

Holy.

So that I can personally know the only god who gave his only son, intimately.

So that one day I can stand face to face confidently 

Knowing I gave it all up for the one who gave his life for me.

And I will pick up my cross again and again so I can live free. 

So that I can let Him crash in with peace.

So I can fall in love

With the one who 

Can be

My everything

Without any ghosting 

Or judgements attached, 

Only healthy

Reciprocity.

So that I can finally receive what I’ve yearned for since I was just a girl.

True love.