The Same Teenage Girl

Hi Jesus,

As you know, I am listening to music from a playlist that I created back in 11 years ago!!!! (2010) Craziness huh! I feel like this decade absolutely flew by, poof and it is 2021! Has much changed? I honestly don’t think, I’ve never really healed I don’t think from this mess in my head. This whole back and forth with women. 

My journal is proof! I have the major loves (milestones) and then everything else in between. I’ve been reading a lot of Christian self-help books and I am once again going to get connected to a church. My question is, do I need an actual therapist? I really need help, I don’t think I can do this alone anymore nor do I want to keep living in sin. I’m not going to lie, as I read some journal entries, I can recall the feeling. I can remember how it felt like to be in love and to think of alllllll of that and not even 2 weeks ago I slipped!

 It is literally the same pattern for years now! This crave, impulsive lust to feel connected emotionally to someone and ultimately to not feel alone! It probably got worse as I got older because I had no need to “control” my impulses. Weed, smoking, whatever do curb my desire to feel one or fulfilled or something! I think to a certain extent I’ve learned some obedience through suffering. Ultimately, the gf thing which I’ve mentioned several times killed me. So say you do get someone who wants to be with you and loves you and connects to you, what are you going to do marry them? Completely disobey God? Live a life without any peace. That is what really killed me more than anything, I felt so guilty all the damn time when I was with her. I had to smoke to turn it all off. I remember her getting mad, thinking I could only be with her if I was high. I guess that is what I just have to remind myself of the, the immense lack of peace. The peace that only you can provide, not of this world. What is scary or what hurts in a way, is the fact that I have let this go on for sooo long! Just ordered the book again “Called Out”, I had it and threw it away. I also bought the book “Boundaries” perhaps, that will help me too? I know, being in your word will help, but I think for a long time I haven’t been connected. I haven’t had a “band of sisters” and certainly not anyone who knows about my struggles. I want to fix this, but even now I can’t help but putting on a certain type of song and just listening. Perhaps, I do like saving people? Making them feel loved in ways that they never have. Because it makes me feel like I’m good enough, in a way that I never really do. I feel like I have to overcompensate in some sort of way. Be good enough, extra enough, talented enough, something enough to fit in. Which I know you know, I’ve never felt like I’ve fit in and throughout my life I’ve never really had that much friends. Its funny because I’m looking at the poem I wrote back in like between 2006-2008 and I still feel like that teenage girl. I still feel the very same way.

 When and how will I die to those type of thoughts/feelings? Will I ever? I don’t think I’ll be very successful in this life spiritually with that mentality?? 

Same question I’ve been asking for over a decade now. Will a man every satisfy me, like I think a woman does? Or, the little that I’ve felt so far? Maybe I am missing out, maybe they’ll satisfy me even more than I could have ever thought? I suppose an artistic man.