This may be a long and difficult post to read, but this is me.

The other night I made a decision to rededicate my life to God. For me this has been a tremendously difficult decision. I’ve been down this path before truly giving my heart over to God when I was a teenager. I was being sexually abused by a family member from age 9-18 and after 9 years of enduring this, God made a way for it to be brought in to the light. A year later I married a man whom I thought would treat me kindly and he swept me off to be a Navy wife. What better way was there to get out of the home? My fairy tale ended in abuse in every way one could imagine.

And I lost my faith in everything, everyone.

The only blessing I got was 3 children. He used them as pawns in a nasty divorce. When they told me just how their father was going to kill me, I knew beyond a doubt it would happen if I continued to fight. I had to be the bigger “guy” and step back. Still struggling to find where God was in all of this.

With my new female partner by my side, I had to rebuild my badly broken life. One by one I got my children back. After 14 years I married my partner and we gained custody of my 5 month old granddaughter. We would go to church off and on however I never fully surrendered to God. Then I started drinking heavily. One night I agreed to have a drink after a horse auction with my ex Amish friend. I was drugged and violently raped. Some of my friends said it was my fault because I had been drinking. I had to have several surgeries to fix the damage he caused, and I drank even harder, trying to escape the shame and pain. Soon I knew if I didn’t get help, I would be lost forever. On July 17 I’ll be sober for 5 yrs.

I’ve been on a journey lately, to figure out who I am and where God fits into my life. Still dealing with the physical aspects of the assault, I sought out a female pastor to help me on this journey. Then with her nudge, I asked the help of some of my most powerful women warriors to pray with and for me. Sunday night I asked God back into my heart. I know there are so many aspects I need to surrender. It was difficult to see God as a “gender”.

So here I am. An open slate praying that I’m not too broken to fully allow God control of my badly damaged heart. With this I made a first step.

Here I am Lord!


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