I think I’m ready – November 15th 2021

It’s been awhile since I’ve written. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I started doubting my words and worth. It’s been a struggle to get my heart and head to share the same space. I’ve often thought this past month that I’m riding a roller coaster and I’m desperately trying to get off. God has shown me so much and yet I still can’t or won’t fully trust in Him. It frustrates me to my innermost being. Last week in our Bible study (Lies Women Believe) we talked about sexuality. And for the first time in a large group I shared my story of why I’m where I’m at in my life. It was scary, but good and in a way healing. Then we had a time where we were given some clay to model what God is doing in our lives. One lady made a stick, He gently taps me with it to remind me, hey I’m here. Another made a bowl then turned it upside down and said that is His hand and I’m under it and he protects me while evil is on the outside.

I picked it up and rolled it into a ball and said that I have a hard time viewing God as a gender. Then I flattened it out. I continued saying that I’ve been hurt by men so much and have a hard time trusting the he part of God. Then I started shaping the clay. I continued, but God sees me, He loves me right where I’m at and He’s working on changing my heart. The deepest parts. Then I laid a heart on the table. He’s changing my heart. I feel it and yes at times it hurts. I know with growth comes pain. I know that I can’t fear this change. I need to embrace it so that I can move forward. I don’t know what that will look like, but I think I’m ready.