HOLY

If walking holy meant being with men,

Terror of their pain would grip me again.

It wouldn’t be “if”, 

it would be “when”.

When would they lose my trust? 

And 

how would they do it?

And cause my mending heart to split?

Memories make me run from it 

Reminding me of ways men caused harm

With 

Hands

Words

Drifting eyes

Lonely years

Of annoying sighs

Rejection

Affection… less 

Projection

Dejection

Perfection… ist. 

On and on

Goes 

The list 

like a

rain drop

To the ground 

with a harsh splat.

And after that

Another, 

Then another.

The disrespect 

The lies

Bruises on arms

tear-filled eyes

Judgement

Unfaithful

Until something dies.

Lack of care

He is a swear… er

Not really there

Not a share… er

The scolding glare

Not a care… er

Of a family with hearts,

Of my children, 

My 

greatest gift to the world,

My treasures,

My pearls.

My very heart.

These two

Worthy heirs

Who

Are

Meant for others to find

And love

Too.

And my children’s dreams

Of a man to invest in their self esteem

That would show up 

And be part of the team,

Of a man that would see all their greatness

And show them how to walk in his steps

Which consist of love, integrity, devotion, and strength. 

Rather than keeping them at arm’s length

And shutting his whole family out,

While he drowns in a dark cloud on the couch.

Leaving my children to scratch their heads

At why he can’t love them instead

Of 

quitting

On the daily,

And pushing forward, because these children are worth it.

And they are!

There is a sonic shake 

In the atmosphere,

Like dejavú  

Of old residue

From years past

Of relationships that didn’t last,

Only leaving unseen scars

That have calloused 

over

Unable to be penetrated without a surgical procedure.

And me on my bed rocking my knees 

Assuming men would be the death of me,

At least of my mind.

Asking God in a broken plea,

After all the pain

Some caused by me,

“What must I do to be holy?”

My assumption was based on the opinion of others,

Holiness = heterosexuality.

As I rocked and cried

And mourned all hope of love that died

And emotions flooded

Like a high tide

In the ocean at night,

Pulled by the moon.

White caps folded over

With a saddened swoon

And the tears can’t be seen in the dark sea.

It’s Only God 

And only me,

On my bed 

Sitting with loss 

and wondering how I will endure this cross.

Tears soak my feathered pillow

Leaving no dry place 

for my face

To go

Then he spoke.

“Holy” does not imply marrying a man.

Holy is who I am.

Let me introduce you to me.

I am holy.

Filled with

Goodness

Provider

Righteous 

Love

Wooing the backslider

Happiness 

Strength

Purity

Grace 

Security

Mercy

surety

Wise

Peace

Protection

Present

Affection

Deep connection

God’s reflection.

The one

Who waits

And prays

And relates

And stays

And saves.

I’m life

And light

And truth

And sight

Compassion

Forgiving 

Passion…

For you

Powerful

Creator

Chosen one

Your defender

The son

Faithful 

Promise maker

Powerful

World shaker

Father

Friend

Beginning

End

A lover

A brother

A helper,

Like no other.

I can’t be silenced.

I won’t stop loving.

I am who I am,

And I am a king.

A sacrifice

With a rescuing wing.

I was here first

Before mankind.

I made the wind

And trees

And moon that shined,

And flowers

And pets

planets that aligned,

And clouds 

And life, with you in mind.

To give you life,

With me

In love

I am holy.

I am worthy enough

To take your pain

And heal the hurts

And break the chains

And to give you strength

To live like me

To wash you and

Make you holy

To hold you tight 

to make you free

From fear 

And distrust of 

me.

I see your children

And I won’t let them go

I see their greatness

And want them to know

I’ll never leave them

And I wont be slow

To hear and be near 

Wherever they go.

I am holy. 

And they’re on my mind.

I made their lives

And gave them time

And breath and love

To find me and let me in,

To show them how to trust again.

I am devoted to their hearts

There is nothing they

Can do that will make me part

From who they are, they are part 

of me.

And this is who I am.

I 

Am 

holy

Holy is not equivalent to

Heterosexuality. 

Holy was hanging

On a tree,

Bleeding out as a sacrifice 

For the sins of the world,

For ALL sins of the world

Of which there are many,

And their cures are also

Not heterosexuality.

All sin’s cure is the same,

It is me!

For I give life 

to all who call on my name

That is, 

Everyone in the world. 

Even the men who harmed you.

And for my girl

Who sits on her bed 

Curled

Up in fear

Waiting for a savior to 

Make everything right.

Here I am.

Do you really think I can’t help your problem with man?

I am all things holy and powerful

Nothing is impossible for me.

I saw your pain while I was on the tree.

I felt your hurt

And faced your fears

And healed your heart

And held your tears

You were worth the fight

You were worth the cross 

That I carried

So that your sin and pain could be buried.

You would be made new,

And we would be married.

The past is through

Your life is in me

Nothing else defines you,

You are free

From anything that stole your identity. 

You’re a new creation

Now

The world is behind you.

You have a heavenly view

Now.

Let things drop off

That will eventually hurt you.

I’ll show you what to do.

Remember 

That I won’t leave you

For I am in you

And

You are holy.