Fear not, I am with you – November 24th 2021

This week I’ve been struggling. I know that doubt isn’t from God and I’ve been not trying to live there. I’ve been feeling very heavy with burden. God has been very purposeful in my life these past few months. If I really sit and look at all He’s done I feel very overwhelmed. A few weeks ago I shared about my struggles. About why I’m where I am. I’m not trying to justify, just saying there are reasons that no one would know why a person does what they do. I’ve struggled my whole life in one way or another. I thought once I became saved God would miraculously make the bad things stop. And when it didn’t, I pulled away once again. Then He did make it stop, but I also felt I was now under scrutiny and shame of those who knew me and what was done to me. I then thought God brought my husband to save me.

During the 12 years we were married I felt men once again failed me. Sexually, mentally and physically he hurt me to my core and I refused to allow that to happen again. That’s when I went with Karin. She was safe. She loved God and we connected on a deeper level. She didn’t physically hurt me but over the years the mental games where rough, pushing me into the arms of another. But I figured I was where I was for a reason. I knew that wasn’t Gods way either. Then I trusted an ex Amish guy who ended up doing so much damage to my body and my soul. I figured God allowed it to happen to remind me what men where capable of.

I look back on my life and I’ve always had that tugging on my heart. I remember my grandmother praying for and over me all my life. 6 months ago I stopped fighting that tug and started asking what that tug was all about. I started seeking those who could help me on this journey. Along the way I joined this book study. I didn’t have a clue that I would be sharing my deepest secrets, fears and struggles. But I’m sure this is where I’m supposed to be right now. My eyes have been opened but more importantly my heart is being changed. I can’t explain it, but I know without a doubt it’s happening. I know that Satan tries at every angle to get at me and have me question everything. I’ve had complications after complications since my hysterectomy in August. When my physical body gets beat down, it’s hard to keep my eyes focused on God. I don’t know what God has in store for me. I used to be afraid of everything and everyone. Every fibre of my body would want to run away. But now I can honestly and confidently say I’m not afraid. I know with growth comes pain.

Pain has never “not” been part of my life. But have I really been living or just existing. And this pain is about becoming… becoming what God has intended that to be. My friend and I have talked this through so much and I don’t know what God is going to do. But for right now, this moment, I’m holding onto the fact that He’s loving me right where I’m at. And won’t give up on me. And if He won’t give up on me, then I can’t give up on me either.

“Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes I will help you; yes I will uphold you with the right hand of My righteousness” -Isaiah. 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes I will help you; yes I will uphold you with the right hand of My righteousness” -Isaiah. 41:10