DEPENDENCY

There exists a soul 

in a person

That is more vast than the deepest ocean

An abyss of “self”ish-potion

Which twists and stirs in fierce motion.

It never settles to rest

Only swishes around in emotion

At times, explosive and pain-filled compulsion.

Other times, laughs at the notion

Of reaction.

Some run to people 

To fix it

Others hide 

In a cave of seclusion,

But all souls are an abyss 

Of which

Without being filled,

Face implosion. 

The soul is

Easily stripped in 

lonely erosion

Dripping in 

Self-preservation,

Like lotion 

Oozing in the hot sun

Pleading, “I need devotion!” 

It is wider than

Space

More delicate 

than a vase

Placed 

on a pitcher’s mound

In base 

Ball

It’s a hole really,

A large empty room.

It’s needy 

And hungry

For love

For attention

Affection

Protection

Warm reception

Affirmative reflection

Answers

Validation

Salvation

From itself

Relief

From pressure

And stress

And tests

And loneliness

And pain.

It never stops thinking

And feeling

And talking 

and searching 

And needing to be filled

To be healed

And sealed

With deep purpose.

It’s always looking for some one or thing 

skilled

Enough

To build

A floor 

To stand on

to hold it through the night

who won’t fight

Or judge its needs

A light

To brighten 

uncertainty 

That won’t lie

Or fail

Or fly

Or ghost

Or cry

Or walk away

At the sight of the real soul of a person.

They won’t hide

Or side

With others,

who will see the soul

And fill every inch of the abyss 

Saying, 

“this

Is the one I choose”

Placing a soul kiss

On secret pain

Covering it in gentle love.

And in times of trauma

When all energy of the soul

Is 

Depleted

If it’s been

Cheated 

On

Or seated

In last place of those it loves

Defeated

Down to others

Judging them

Proclaiming,

Too emotional

Or

too unemotional,

Too self- promotional

Or

Told to 

Change 

Or stop feeling.

At that moment, 

Some one or thing 

To lift the 

Downcast

Soul

To 

Peace

And make them whole

Saying,

“You are enough”

And 

“You are not too much”

And 

“I won’t leave you”

Taking it to passionate transcendency

Escalating above the monotony 

While simultaneously 

If not

Inseparably 

Embracing all it’s dependency.

How I tried to fill my soul

With

So many things,

myself,

And others.

I thought,

If I try my best

Surely another

Can attest 

To the emptiness I am

Left

With,

And enmesh

and refresh

the emptiness, 

in my soul.

If I can just leave them impressed

And be their everything, then I can rest

On their chest

While they hold me and make everything new

Like the dew 

On a petal

In spring. 

I will be safe.

If I can fill the trench in their soul,

They will fill mine.

If I can tell them all my hurts,

They will fix me

And I will fix them.

Then

everything will be great.

If I can create

Control 

So they never leave,

I won’t have to feel

Insecurity when I look in the mirror 

Or

Self-hate

Revealing my crippled

State

And face consequences 

To my actions

And responsibility for my choices,

Which I call fate

Or coordinate 

How to love being

Alone

And how to grow

Up

And how to let go

And how to face trauma

And how to feel

Or be real

With myself.

If I can focus on them,

I won’t feel the abyss

Or miss

What it’s like

To know who I am

Or what I want.

I can flaunt

My ability to be “vulnerable” 

Without ever being 

Vulnerable.

But alas, such a person

Does.

Not.

exist.

And

The more I persist,

The longer the list

Of pain

And aloneness I feel.

The more dependent I become,

My feelings start to numb

And though it’s a quick fix to pain,

I succumb

To losing myself again.

And if I find another 

Who’s 

Codependent too

And we manage to

Pull each other through

While living blind 

To red flags as a

cue

That we are not enough

To fill the void

And the attempts

Will 

end in disaster

I still 

chose dependency.

Until

one day

While in my self-obsessed ephod

done and tired of attempting

To maraud

Anything 

To be my everything. 

 I lifted my eyes to God

And asked,

“Why

Can’t I 

Fill this incessant pit?”

To which 

He painted a picture of who he is

By asking,

“Can you see the clouds floating by on a windy day?

Can you hear the crunch in

A crashing wave?

Have you traced the butterfly’s pathway?

Or tried counting the stars 

In the

Milky Way,

And beyond?

Have you observed the lioness

Hunt for her pride

Or a hammerhead

Swim side to side

A child that cried

The excitement of a bride

A loved one that died?

I am in all these things.

And 

Heaven.

Filled with light

And love

And peace

And joy

And rainbows

And heat and snow

All at once 

And a floor that glows

Gold,

My throne 

That is higher than a building 

And angels 

That sing

People laughing and dancing

The most beautiful nature you have ever seen.

I am in these things too.

Have you considered how many thoughts you have in a day,

Or even in a minute?

Can you count all the feelings your heart has 

in it?

Can you imagine every phase of your life?

Every age

Every city you lived in

Every tear, every grin

Every loss, every win.

Every time you had to start

Again

Every moment you needed a floor to stand on

At times when you felt like you were gone,

From making things and others the crutch you leaned on.

Multiply that by every person that has ever existed.

I am in these things too.

I am large enough to build universes

And small enough to speak to your heart

No one can contain all of me

I am an infinite sea

There never was a beginning of me

I have always been 

And will always be

I am reality.

Stronger than the winds

Brighter than the sun

Second to none

The one 

who created all

And sent his son

To die for all

To know you

Just 

to know you,

And for you to know me.

And how can you possibly know me?

You often only know what you choose to see.

And how can you feel me?

Emotions can be scattered like debris

From an explosion

Needing a professional to sort out the wreckage.

And how can you understand my heart?

When your love can be conditional, based on the past

And can be walked out of

Because you think

Love can’t last.

Sweet child, there is only one way to know me.

So I reached inside my immortal glory

And from my everlasting love for you,

From my grace and 

Mercy

Out of the depths of my power and eternity

Pulled All things good 

from my core identity,

And I placed in each person,

A soul.

A hollow well that could contain a 

Relationship.

A meeting place

For friendship

And courtship,

With God

A bubble of vulnerability 

To be heard

And known

And seen

To receive love 

Unconditionally

To be made clean

To start over again 

And again 

To Live

Between

Your surroundings

And the unseen

To have needs met.

It’s for you and I 

Only

And not meant to be lonely

Just intimate

tranquility 

Because I will never leave

It.

I’m always waiting

To walk you through each day.

I’m always 

Translating

Life for you

And advocating all situations.

And I’m not negating 

The love of others

But they can never 

Encapsulate 

The needs of you.

They have an endless void 

Too,

They are not god.

Let’s give credit

Where credit is due. 

They were not there in the beginning.

There were just two,

The son and myself.

I am God.

I am love. 

You can trust me

For every need.

Yes the soul is vast

It was meant to last

Past 

Times of happiness 

To when you’re downcast.

When you are alone

Or in the massed

And

In Times of correction,

I keep you steadfast.

I will teach you to grow

And be honest

And feel

And be real

And not steal 

hearts 

In an attempt to mold 

Another to 

Heal

You.

I will keep you satisfied

Every step of the way.

I won’t let you slip.

I will show you how to live holy and free.

Just come to me,

And I will give you rest.

I will cradle you on my chest

In the meadow 

By the stream.

I offer love and beauty,

It’s a gift from me.

I won’t leave.

You can trust I will carry you 

From pursuing self-love,

to living soul-victory,

Through the blood of the cross.

And the only key

To dependency

In me

Is surrender.

This is your invitation.