I wrote this about a year after I became a Christian and it reflects where I was on my walk at that point in time.

Sometimes I am wearing a mask to try and fit in, maybe to try and show I am “good enough” to be a Christian, so rather than thinking that by saying I’m struggling or needing support I am weak, I am actually strong.  Strong enough to recognise that God loves me, he wanted me to be his child and he knew then and still knows now everything about me so I have no need to pretend everything is OK if it’s not and it’s OK to allow my weaknesses to show.  God loves us all and wants us, he knows all about our past and our sins and that’s OK with him

Romans 5:8 – But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

I am a chameleon trying hard to fit in, wearing my carefully crafted mask so that when people ask what’s going on, are you OK, I easily say what I think may appease them

Please don’t judge me for that’s the way I’ve always been, ready to slip into the background unseen and unheard and then the most absurd thing happened, when I gave my heart to God he listened

He searched my heart, he understood the motives behind my thoughts and I ought to have known then that deception was untenable, no matter what my face is saying God knows what my head is thinking

Masquerading is like shrinking away from the truth that God chose me to be his treasured possession out of all of the people on the face of the earth God chose me, and there is no need to hide my weakness and fragility, or question my suitability to be his child

God doesn’t need me

He wants me, and he wants me just as I am.

I take heart from the fact that Jesus did not need a mask, he never camouflaged his real feelings, Jesus wept, no need to hide his tears, he had fears and when he got scared he got on his knees and prayed, no veil of “I’m OK” just an authentic reaction to events unravelling in his life

When he needed help he asked his friends to stay, no running away from the truth that we all need support at times and finally and most incredibly when I’m feeling like an outsider, an intruder remember this, Jesus hung out with the lepers and outcasts, he loved the downcast and the loner so I don’t need a persona, a mask, I am what I am and I am God’s child, loved, wanted and cherished just as I am.


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