I’m Sarah. I have two older sisters and an older brother. My German Mum met my English Dad in Germany when Dad was in the army. They moved to Bournemouth in the UK after my brother was born.

As a young girl (6 or 7) I didn’t fit the traditional gender models as I was a typical tomboy. Boyfriends were who I played football and climbed trees with. I had no traditional girl expectations; no pink dresses; and definitely no dolls! I was popular at my primary school for being good at sport and I had a great circle of friends.

Sadly, it was at this time that I was groomed by a male neighbour who sexually molested me several times. I wrongly concluded that “girls are victims, and boys are abusers.” Those were the only two options I saw. Not wanting to be the victim, I subconsciously decided that being a boy was safer.

In 1975, without any prior warning, my parents told us that we had one day to say goodbye to our school friends before moving to another neighbourhood. And I hated it! I went from being accepted and fitting in to clashing with others who felt like aliens to me. At age 11 I entered a girl-only secondary school. While the girls around me were blossoming into women, I was a tall, gangly, flat-chested athlete with no interest in the opposite sex. I also had a fractious relationship with my father and spent most of my time in my bedroom. 

To cope with not being like other girls I became the entertainer, the class clown. I felt that boys were just after sex and could be cruel in their words. I felt unworthy being a female. I became infatuated with other girls and had crushes on female teachers.

After starting work my friend invited me to her parents’ Pentecostal church. We sat at the back and played through the service. Yet when the Altar Call came? – BOOM – my arm shot up along with my two friends; and we gave our lives to Christ. I spent six months attending church until I met a new work colleague who was obviously gay.

I was drawn to him. We quickly became friends, and he took me to a gay club which seemed like a separate world. I immediately felt accepted, attractive, and that I finally fitted in somewhere. This community championed my coming out as gay. I embraced the lifestyle and ran into many arms and relationships; some unhealthy and violent, fuelled by drugs and alcohol. 

In 1994 – mentally and emotionally at breaking point after another failed relationship – I moved back in with my parents and kept myself to myself, working nights and avoiding nightclubs. I kept encountering a lady from my first church who invited me to attend service one Sunday. I went and recommitted my life to Jesus, but still battled with feeling that I didn’t fit in as no one ever spoke about ministering to those struggling with SSA. I kept my SSA secret. I moved to another church, and by 1997 was leading a celibate Christian life but still, deep down, I couldn’t see how I could change. My favourite excuse became I cannot help myself; I was born this way. In my search for wholeness, I was finding conflicting opinions regarding homosexuality among other Christians and churches. I was confused.

It came to a head when serving for the church at a conference. The pastor and his wife, who knew of my SSA struggle and my desire to minister to same just said ‘those people can’t be helped’.  I then decided I couldn’t be helped and even though I knew God loved me, believed the church hated me. My life quickly spiralled downhill after that. I went back to my old habits, unhealthy relationships, drugs, and heavy drinking.

In May 2009 my mother suddenly passed away and my world crashed around me. I moved in with Dad. But my plan to try and help him ended in a violent altercation as, by then, he had become a full-blown alcoholic. I ended up in hospital after overdosing on sleeping tablets.  I then moved and rented a cottage in a small seaside town, working nearby. My Dad died two years later from a massive stroke. Six months later my nephew suddenly died.  I again tried to commit suicide without success. That was the lowest I had ever been in my life, and I decided to take charge and get myself sorted out once and for all.

I met Alison in 2012 and we began a relationship, moving in together by 2014. I was happy. Alison is the kindest, calmest, and most thoughtful person I have ever known.

2018 I became very ill and ended up in hospital. It was my gall bladder. It was three days before Christmas Eve, and I was told there were no openings for operations. Somehow, I sensed that it is was serious and I pushed to see the surgeon. I took his hand, looked in his face and said, if you don’t operate on me, I’m not going to survive. He made the decision to perform the surgery the following morning.

After the operation, the Registrar came to see me and explained that my gall bladder had become so infected that it was about to rupture. The scan had not picked up a huge stone blocking the bile duct to the liver, causing severe damage. If I had been sent home, I would have been in trouble. God was watching over me.

Recovering at home I felt God’s tugging and I contacted a local deacon who visited me. I attended his church a couple of times but, to be frank, it was dull! I knew that I had to reconnect with Christ and particularly sought a Spirit-filled church. I found one and gave my life to Christ again. I did not come to Christ seeking a change in my sexuality. I simply desired a healthy life and relationship with Him, and He began to do the rest as I surrendered more of myself to Him. I encountered a God that I had never known before. A loving Father. After that everything changed; my understanding of right and wrong became more defined, and my heart began to ask some difficult questions.

Alison noticed a difference in me as we began talking more and more about God. One evening Alison chose to give her life to Christ. I led her in prayer, and she began to study the Bible and be discipled.

During ‘lock down’, we both deepened our relationship with Christ. It became apparent to both of us via the Holy Spirit that our sexual relationship was not in line with what God wanted for us. We made the huge decision to de-couple and surrendered our lives fully to God according to HIS will and commandments. We still share a home but have our own bedrooms and separate interests as good friends and sisters in Christ. Our dual baptism in the sea was a beautiful experience.

I have found myself going through a “second puberty” where I have revisited those misconceptions that I believed about myself and my identity. I have been transformed by God’s love. My desire is for Christ. He has made me whole, sober, and restored the years that the locusts had eaten. God has a plan for me and led me to become part of a ministry that is growing to help and support individuals and families struggling with unwanted SSA.

You must lose to gain. Yes, I feared losing Alison and everything that encompassed an earthly relationship. But, by letting go and trusting God, we have both gained so much more. A perfect unchanging, unending relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that one day we will be reunited with Him forever in eternity.

Mary Magdalene in the series “The Chosen” summed it up in one sentence: ‘All I know is I was one way; and now I am another. And what happened in between was Him’.

I am not the person I was. I am a new creation. 2 CORINTHIANS 5:17 says “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”